I have been keeping a journal for the longest time now, I started when I was a kid actually but became more consistent with it when I was in college. The cool thing about journaling is how you can look back and read where you were at emotionally, mentally, spiritually and all the other “-ally’s” there are.
When I look back over my last 20 years I can definetely say God has taught me the lessons of patience, waiting, and trusting. All those three seem to go hand in hand for me. In my 20’s it was about waiting for Mr. Right to come along and realizing that my identity and worth doesn’t increase in value due to being in a relationship. Although the wait was long, I look back and realize that I needed that time for me. My 20’s was a time in my life where I was able to fully pour my energy and time to knowing God more and allowing Him to change my life. The 20’s were definetely a maturing and developing time for me as a person.
It seems like my 30’s were a culmination of all I had been desiring as a woman…meeting a wonderful guy, getting married and having babies. Those are all awesome things to experience but somehow in the acquiring of the forementioned I somehow got off track in my relationship with God. It’s strange but true. I hate admitting it but getting all I wanted caused me to lose focus on the One who gave me all those blessings in the first place.
What I know for sure is that God’s grace and mercy has always been there for me even in my aloofness, busyness and preoccupations with life. Over the last year I have really recognized the missing part of my life. It’s great to have family, kids, friends, a great church, financial resources etc…but allowing my heart’s focus to be consumed with those blessings and then leave God out of the equation has been very empty and unsatisfying. Living on empty has left me with very little to give out to others.
I write these things today because after being a Christian for most of my life I have succumbed to the thing I have hated most….mediocrity.
I’ve allowed my walk with God to become just about going to church, praying over my food, having good morals and not much else. It’s hard to admit this about myself. As I enter this new decade I really want it to be a decade of change, growth, new ideas and dedication to my relationship with God. A verse in Isaiah 32:18 says, ” But the Lord still waits for you to come to Him so He can show you His love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God…” One thing is for sure God is always there no matter if we walk away from Him, He always waits patiently and lovingly for us. I am blown away by that! I guess that’s what we call God’s grace and mercy. My prayer is that God would help me to be the woman, wife, mother, daughter etc that He created me to be. I want to be a woman fueled by God’s love so I can in turn give that love out to others.
I wrote all this for me today but hopefully it can encourage someone else too.