Friends, this last week has been full of difficulty and heartache for us.
Basically I walked away from that appointment a little disappointed that once again I had nothing tangible to say “yes, I’m really pregnant.”
During that same appointment I did find out that I had a bladder infection so that was about as eventful as my appointment got.
Later that night I was laying down with my 3 year old in bed and just not feeling right ….I thought that it was probably because of the bladder infection so I just wrote it off.
A little later that night when I went to the bathroom I noticed some very light brown spotting…again I knew not to freak out because books I’ve read on that some spotting is normal.
I mentioned what happened to my husband and told him I wasn’t too worried and that if it changed to a bright red blood color that then it would be something to be concerned about. At 12:30 a.m. I woke up feeling moisture as I went into the bathroom my worst fear was unfolding… I was bleeding bright red blood just like my period was starting.
I ran to my hubby to tell him what was happening and immediately I knew I had to go to the ER. I decided to drive myself because I needed my hubby to stay with our boys.
The hardest part of going to the ER was being there by myself as this all unfolded….the realization that I may be losing this baby was starting to hit me. I was given an ultrasound….and it took everything within me to try to keep it together.
My little baby never made it past 5 weeks in my womb.
The doctor and nurse told me it wasn’t anything I did that there was probably something wrong with the fetus- some abnormality perhaps and that he/she may have not made it in the long run.
I don’t know why I felt I had to keep it together in front of then emotionally but i did. Yet right after they left I started sobbing. The realization of losing this baby hit me.
I drove myself back home after being discharged and as my husband opened the front door I ran into his arms and told him what happened.
As the bleeding continued I knew I needed to go back to the ER. This time I went by ambulance as per direction of the ER nurse.
They took my blood to see if my HCG levels had gone down from the previous day. The sign of the tubal pregnancy would be that my HCG levels remained the same.
Good news was my level went down and after a pelvic exam and ultrasound it was determined that everything was emptied out of the womb.
So after another 10 hours in the ER I was discharged.
I’m still processing this loss. I never got a chance to really bond with this little one that was inside of me ….never able to see him/her on the ultrasound while still viable.
I feel empty and grieve that this little one did not get to complete the cycle of life in my womb.
Losing a baby so early in the pregnancy comes with mixed feelings….I’m guess it’s better if had to happen that it did early rather than later but regardless it’s still a loss and we are beyond heartbroken.
God did a lot the 2 days I was in and out of the ER. I will share those experiences on another day.
For now I’m taking it all one minute at a time…yes one minute because one minute I’m doing well and the next I’m in tears.
Thank you for your love, prayers and emotional support.